The Imam’s Daughter

I received an email a few days ago from a sister who is teaching at an Islamic school and is thinking about homeschooling next year. She is new to the area, has no family or friends here and is afraid to get emotionally exhausted from homeschooling on her own with no support or help. She has two daughters ages 3 and 2 and lives 45 min from the Islamic school where she works and puts her two daughters in the preschool there. She is happy but feels stressed working there and the long commute and long school day. This was my response to her and perhaps it might be helpful for others, but if you’re in a different situation some of the issues may not apply to you and you may have other issues to deal with, but it’s something to start with to help you decide.

Continuing at the Islamic School
Advantages
- social interaction for you
- reward from Allah for teaching many children and helping the school
- kids learn and play with other children which motivates learning through competition (not sure if this is completely an advantage, and anyways, if the child has a sibling, the same advantage will apply to homeschooling)
- little or no time spent watching TV, on internet

Disadvantages
- long drive
- long day
- increased stress
- increased sickness (from stress and being in contact with many kids/adults)
- for kids, not much quality time spent with mom and dad or even with each other, so relationships suffer
- you still have to teach them/ help them with homework in the evening, but by that time you are all tired and the kids want to be with their dad and are tired of learning
- kids learn to eat fast and consequently eat poorly, candy and pizza often given out at school, other kids eating junk food and your kids will want the same
- kids learn English well and get used to speaking English all the time and it’s hard to get them to keep speaking their native language - consequently they won’t be able to communicate well with relatives and cousins and it would be awkward for them to visit their native country and get teased by the other kids. (this may not apply to you, but this is THE reason that i homeschool in the preschool age, and my husband was more adamant about this than me.)

Minimizing the disadvantages:
- work part time
- insist on no english in the home (if this is something important to you)
- give lessons on the weekends of your native language to increase their vocabulary and confidence in speaking it (if this is something important to you)
- emphasize healthy eating and importance of nutrition, spend time on weekends to make fruit salad and diced veggies with homemade dip, snacks made from scratch, etc.

Homeschooling next year a 4 yr old and 3 yr old
Disadvantages
- no social interaction (this will change with time as you meet more people)
- no support (this will change with time as you meet more people and join homeschooling groups online and in your area)
- struggle to control and minimize TV time and internet time (so many days i wish i could just throw them out, but i can’t because i need them sometimes)
- need to prepare lessons and activities and weekly schedule
- need to develop the character of treating the kids with respect and as humans, learn to be patient and understanding, not yell etc. It is easy to make repeated mistakes here because you are home alone with them and you feel that no one is watching you so you can do what you want, but we forget that Allah is watching us and our kids are learning from us how we react and they start behaving the same way to us and their siblings.
- more housework, when you’re home more, you make more mess and more dishes.
- need to develop a schedule, be on a schedule.
- need to buy certain furniture, supplies, curriculum etc. You may already have some of these things, but if you don’t IKEA is good and Ad-duha/Calvert are popular curriculums.

Advantages
- decreased stress
- more time in the day to relax and do fun activities
- you can teach them in the morning instead of the evening
- time more flexible
- kids spend more time with parents developing a good relationship and more time to instill character and values into the kids (this is REAL socialization)
- kids spend more time with each other developing a good relationship (this is REAL socialization)
- no negative influences from school, bad language, bad behavior, moodiness from being tired and stressed and hurried all day
- more time for prayer, du’a, reflection, reading Qur’an, for you and them which give you reward from Allah as well
- reward from Allah for teaching your children
- kids are close in age so you only need to teach one curriculum (pre-k), the younger one will do the same lessons but you will expect less from her, and i think you can continue to do this for the year after unless you see the youngest is having a hard time and needs the curriculum for her age.
- you can speak and teach in your native tongue and the kids will keep up in it and easily communicate with relatives on the phone and during visits (if this applies to you)
- kids develop creativity from free play and imagination play with each other, the more time spent in free play the better
- if you are close to masjid, your husband can take the kids with him for Isha prayer when it is not too late at night.
- kids eat better, you are able to spend time to make healthy snacks, lunches, and dinners and prepare more things from scratch
- less sickness (eat better, less stress, less contact with germs)
- lots of time for hugs and kisses :) i love this one!!
- this list is endless!!

Minimize Disadvantages
- Utilize the free programs around you like storytime in library, storytime in bookstore, other events for kids around you (with the baby i haven’t been able to do this but the kids are happy to play with the baby instead)
- make memberships at museums and YMCA or other places, Little Gym, etc. YMCA has a babysitting service so you can put the kids to play with other kids in the babysitting while you exercise, and i think there’s other places that have a similar service. I am member of Ecotarium in worcester and Aquarium in boston and YMCA.
- Take the kids to Jum’ah prayer every week, get to know the community around you, find others who keep their preschoolers home or homeschool (many parents can’t afford to put their kids in preschool, so it’s much easier to find preschoolers in the area), and you’ll get to make friends there and invite them over and visit them, it will take time to develop a relationship but it’s worth it. On fridays i go to my parents so i don’t get to go to Jum’ah, but you will have this opportunity and i think it will be just as helpful as visiting family and even better because you are getting the kids used to going to the masjid and learning manners of being in masjid and praying Jum’ah.
- Limiting TV time is about scheduling a certain time for watching TV and in other times to keep it off and enforce the rule, and it takes time to make this a habit. It will help if the TV is not in the school room. Limiting Internet is about keeping the computer shut off and only opening it a certain time in the day and this also takes time and energy to enforce the rule.
- You do the grocery shopping or other errand on the weekends as your ‘escape’ while the kids stay home with dad. this is what i do. Or you could go to the gym or walk in the mall or outside when the weather is nice.
- wake up at fajr and stay up , you will have some time to yourself before the kids wake up. Eat 7 dates in the morning and you’ll be full of energy all day even though you woke up early.
- prepare weekly schedule on the weekend, including lunch and dinner menu, while dad takes the kids to YMCA/museum/mall - this is what i do. The objective is to make as many decisions as possible on the weekend so that during the week you won’t have to spend time thinking to make various decisions on what to do, where to go, what to cook, what to clean etc. so you will have emotional energy to teach your children and do activities with them.
- make a cleaning time on the weekend to do the major chores like mopping the kitchen, vacuuming the house, cleaning bathrooms, and sorting laundry. Get your kids involved with this by getting a couple spray bottles and fill with hot water and a drop of dish liquid and they can start spraying and wiping bathrooms and other surfaces.
- make a daily cleaning time to do dishes and laundry, it takes only 1/2 hour a day if you work on it daily instead of letting it pile up. teach the kids to put their dishes in the sink and their dirty clothes in the hamper. at the end of the day, make it an activity for your husband and the kids to tidy the playroom/schoolroom before bedtime. my husband does this. When you feel that you’re not doing EVERYTHING by yourself, you will be motivated and happy to do you chores and won’t feel that horrible resentment.
- whenever you get frustrated with the kids - just make it into a joke - like say in a fun voice - ‘no silly, the 5 is this written this way, not that way’ or ‘Why are you being silly?” Then they start laughing and you were able to correct them in a good way without showing anger. This always works for me.
- always have something to do for each child for atleast half the day. You will have a hard time giving one on one time with your oldest if you haven’t arranged something for the younger one to do. I give them them options like art, blocks, legos, cars, playdough, water play in bathroom, etc.
- The book “Managers of their Homes” by Steve and Teri Maxwell will help you with these issues and give you tools and ideas to create a schedule and implement it for a homeschooling family.

So if you look at the lists, the disadvantages are the same number in both situations, as i thought it would be, but the advantages on the homeschooling side are much more, and the disadvantages can be minimized with some initial effort and persistence. However, the disadvantages of putting them in school can also be easily minimized just by switching to part time, but if you can’t do that, then it would be very hard to minimize them unless you move close to the school. But i personally don’t see too much harm in continuing next year as it’s still preschool, and preschool is fun and hands on and lots of free play, unless you’re very concerned about the English, which is why i didn’t put my kids in preschool, or you are just too stressed out from the work or are concerned about the relationship between the kids and their dad and with you and with each other (behavior-wise) suffering greatly as a consequence. But it’s true that teaching in a school will help you meet other sisters and integrate into the community and this is helpful when you are new to an area. I may have missed some issues above, and probably have, so feel free to modify it as you see fit and as your situation changes from year to year.

Pray Istikhara prayer and discuss it with your husband and i’m sure whatever you decide for next year will work out as long as you try your best to minimize the disadvantages. May Allah make your decision easy on you and bless you and your family.